You're Welcome America

Will Ferrell will make his Broadway debut in a solo show titled You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W Bush.

Adam McKay will direct the production, which will begin previews at the Cort Theatre Jan. 20, 2009, with an official opening Feb. 1. The limited engagement is currently scheduled to run through March 15.

The show will be autobiographical and include anecdotes about the comedian's work on 'Saturday Night Live.' Ferrell will also likely offer some of his impersonations, as the title implies.

The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals needs your help

The Next Evolution of Music Media?

The world's four biggest music corporations-- Universal, Warner, EMI, and Sony BMG (soon to be Sony Music Entertainment Inc.)-- have teamed with MP3 player and memory card manufacturer SanDisk to create a new music media format called slotMusic.

Here's how slotMusic works: These memory cards-- which come pre-loaded with albums in DRM-free MP3 format along with liner notes, album art, videos, and other content-- plug right into phones, portable media devices, computers, and even a few car stereos (with aims at more). Each card sells for about the price of a CD and also comes with a USB adapter to ensure the easy transfer of content from the card to a computer or portable MP3 player.

The initial run of slotMusic cards is now shipping and includes entries from Coldplay, Weezer, M.I.A., Young Jeezy, Usher, Rihanna, Ne-Yo, Katy Perry, ABBA, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis Presley, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Keane, among others.

But here's the rub: Other than the fact that they're playable on cell phones, these cards don't seem all that different from CDs. They're smaller, but they still come with one album per physical artifact, implying you'd need some sort of carrying case if you wanted to switch between albums. A smaller physical format with limited capacity is still a physical format with limited capacity. Not to mention the fact that plenty of cell phones already come with the capabilities to download music.

Maybe the glaring holes in this plan to revolutionize the way people consume music are why the slotMusic press release ends with a blatant admission that it "contains certain forward-looking statements" that "involve numerous risks and uncertainties." Risks and uncertainties such as this one: "Market demand for our products may grow more slowly than our expectations, or there may be a slower adoption rate for these products in new markets that we are targeting."

slotMusic: This is gonna change everything. Or nothing.

A Sneak Peak at the Electric Mini

Have a look for yourself.

Get Your Rimshot Ready

Barrack Obama roasts John McCain.

If he doesn't become president, Obama can always take his stand-up routine on the road.

Vice Squad

The odds of getting two girls back to your place after a night of boozing is very low. The odds of a threesome going down are way lower. But if you don’t at least bust out a “Why don’t you guys make out?” your wank Rolodex will hate you for the rest of its life.

Stuff White People Like - #93 Music Piracy

White people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. So when file sharing gave white people a chance to acquire all the music they ever wanted, it felt as though it was an earned right and not a privilege.

When (not if) you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he does not immediately launch into a diatribe about his right to pirate music, you might have to nudge him a bit by saying “do you think that’s right?” The response will be immediate and uniform.

He will likely rattle off statistics about how most musicians don’t make any money from albums, it all comes from touring and merchandise. So by attending shows, he is able to support the musicians while simultaneously striking a blow against multinational corporations. He will proceed to walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties and creativity. Prepare to hear the name Steve Albini a lot.

Advanced white people will also talk about how their constant downloading of music makes them an expert who can properly recommend bands to friends and co-workers, thus increasing revenues and exposure. So in fact, their “illegal” activities are the new lifeblood of the industry.

When they have finished talking, you must choose your next words wisely. It is considered rude to point out the simple fact that they are still getting music for free. Instead you should say: “Wow, I never thought of it like that. You know a lot about the music industry. What bands are you listening to right now? Who is good?”

This sentence serves two functions: it helps to reassure the white person that they are your local “music expert,” something they prize. Also, it lets them feel as though they have convinced you that their activities are part of a greater social cause and not simple piracy.

If you bring up this issue with white person who says “nah bro, I don’t give a shit, Dave Matthews has enough money as it is.” You are likely dealing with wrong kind of white person.

In the even more rare situation where someone says “it’s all paid for, and it’s all transferred from vinyl.” You have found an expert level white person and must treat the situation carefully.

Because of the availability of music online, a very strict social hierarchy has been created within white culture whereby someone with a large MP3 collection is considered “normal,” a large CD collection is considered to be “better,” and a person with a large vinyl collection is recognized as “elite.”

These elite white people abhor the fact that music piracy has made their B-sides, live performances, and bootlegs available to the masses. Their entire life’s work has been stripped of its rarity in terms of both object and sound on the record. The best thing you can say to them is: “vinyl still sounds better.”

However, it is recommended that you do not let this conversation drag much longer. If you let them continue talking to you they are likely to spend hours talking to you about bands you’ve never heard of and providing you with a weekly mix CD of rarities that you do not want.

Fail of the Day

The Return of Will Arnett

At long last.

"Arrested Development" co-star Will Arnett is back at Fox with a rich deal to topline a new comedy project for the network.

The pact is said to be more far-reaching than a regular development deal, giving Arnett complete creative control over the writers, producers and directors he wants to work with as well as over the content of the show that will be developed for him.

The deal is not tied to any studio, with writers from various outlets expected to pitch him ideas. Considered a likely collaborator is "Arrested" creator Mitch Hurwitz, with whom Arnett has said he wants to work again.

Hayden Panettiere does something that isn't absolutely completely annoying

FCC Chairman proposes using empty television airwaves to deliver internet

The chairman of the Federal Communications Commission on Wednesday proposed opening up unused portions of the television airwaves known as "white spaces" to deliver wireless broadband service.

The proposal by FCC chief Kevin Martin appeals to public interest groups and many of the nation's biggest technology companies, including Google Inc. and Microsoft Corp., which hope it will bring affordable high-speed Internet connections to more Americans.

Radiohead's In Rainbows Successes Revealed

Apparently things went pretty...pretty well.

Shocking.

Three million in sales, 100,000 discboxes shipped, and 1.75 million physical CDs sold.

Not bad, considering it was initially released to everyone as a free download.

Guns N' Roses Democracy Cover, Tracklist Revealed

Well, it's safe to say we haven't been waiting a decade-plus for the artwork to come together. But hit up the website of Best Buy-- the store, as you may recall, which landed the exclusive rights to the Interscope release of Guns N' Roses' increasingly-less-punchliney Chinese Democracy-- and you'll get a look at what may very well be the album's cover.

Well, one version of it, anyway; there's a mention on the site of alternative art, though that hasn't been posted as yet. As for that cover? Uh, it's a sepia-tone image of a bicycle, with a big basket on it. Which reminds me of that old saying: "Nothing says Chinese Democracy like a sepia-tone image of a bicycle, with a big basket on it." Sigh.

The Best Buy site also includes the record's tracklist, which we've reprinted for your convenience below, and indicates that Chinese Democracy will be available on vinyl as well.

Incidentally, the Best Buy page also notes that the album drops on Tuesday, November 25, and not on the previously suggested, less conventional release date of Sunday the 23rd. Whichever it is, at least it's, you know, sometime. GN'R's classic debut Appetite for Destruction, meanwhile, hits vinyl October 28 from Interscope.

Chinese Democracy:

01 Chinese Democracy
02 Scraped
03 Shackler's Revenge
04 Street of Dreams
05 If the World
06 Better
07 This I Love
08 There Was a Time
09 Riad N' the Bedovins
10 Sorry
11 I.R.S.
12 Catcher
13 Madagascar
14 Prostitute

A really good place to do drugs / have sex / be homeless

Futurists have long predicted the day when we zip along in autonomous and electric monorail-like systems they call Personal Rapid Transit, and several projects underway in cities around the world suggest we soon may be freed from the bondage of gridlock.

The Sounds of Science

Musical instruments that use touch-sensitive controls, contain lasers and use the power of the sun are already here. Here's a look at 8 musical instruments...OF THE FUTURE!!!

After 30 Years, a Film Returns to a Harrowing Time in San Francisco

The New York Times examines the upcoming Gus Van Sant/Sean Penn film Milk.

California presents bold plan to clean up air

California regulators, following the lead of San Francisco air quality managers, would impose fees on the state's worst air polluters as part of a bold proposal to slash emissions to 1990 levels.

The fees, along with green technology job training and a cap-and-trade system outlined Wednesday by the California Air Resources Board, would vault the state ahead of federal efforts to curb climate-changing greenhouse gases.

Vice Squad

Aren't hippies supposed to be conscientious? Maybe there's something we don't know about butt flaps, like they're made by Malaysian kids or they kill the ozone, but there's no way it's as cruel as forcing the world to choose between mentally picturing your 2/3rds naked ass on the toilet or mentally smelling a full day's worth of feces as it makes its way down your legs.

Stuff White People Like - #100 Bumper Stickers

It is a fact that white people will never turn down an opportunity to enlighten other people on the correct way to think. While this is very easy to do through email or face to face conversation, it is exceptionally difficult to do while driving a car. Fortunately for white people there is a solution that is both popular and ineffective: bumper stickers.

Before talking about the types of bumper stickers that white people like, it’s very important to get an understanding about layout and placement. When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the car in bumper stickers. Because of the abundance of space they are free to include stickers from all areas of white support: music, politics, the environment, insults to right wing politicians, and various movements that tell people to keep a city “weird.”

But when white people have a nice new car such as a Prius or an Audi station wagon, the fear of losing resale value prevents them from applying more than one sticker. Therefore that one sticker must properly capture the essence of the car and the political views of the driver.

The safest and most accepted choice for a sticker is always one that supports a Democratic Presidential candidate (Ralph Nader is an acceptable substitute). As of February 2008, white law requires an Obama 08 bumper sticker to be placed on the back of every Prius. Though these stickers reach peak effectiveness during an election year, it is acceptable to leave this sticker on the car until the next election regardless of whether or not the candidate actually won. If it’s a disputed election like in 2000, the sticker can be left on for the life of the car.

If a white person does not feel like supporting a candidate, they will likely select a bumper sticker that tells other people what to do. Some popular ones include telling people to Coexist and to stop eating meat.

Though there is no conclusive evidence about the effectiveness of these stickers, white people show no signs of abandoning the campaign. In fact, there is a popular tale in white mythology that tells of an unenlightened man driving on the freeway who saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Subaru station wagon that said “Go Veg.” The sticker was so moving that he threw the hamburger he was eating right out the window and became a vegetarian on the spot. Two days later, he affixed the same bumper sticker to their car and the process began anew until enough people had changed their views to form what we now know as the city of Portland, Oregon.

The only other acceptable sticker option for white people is the white oval country tag sticker used commonly in Europe to help identify cars that cross international borders. Though they actually serve a function in Europe, white people use the stickers to show people where they like to take vacations. If you know a white person with one of these stickers, it’s always a good idea to ask them about where they got the sticker. Your question will justify the presence of the sticker and make the white person feel great.

If you have decided that you want to improve your status with white people by applying a bumper sticker to your car do not make the assumption that you can just use anything! Stickers that support right wing politics, guns, patriotism, war, or hunting are all unacceptable. It is also unacceptable to use a sticker with a clever slogan that does not support a left wing political cause. Any of these stickers will likely end any chance you had of befriending a white person.

Note: attaching a yellow magnetic ribbon to the back of your car will result in being shunned from some of the stricter white communities and should avoided at all costs.

Fail of the Day

External iPhone 3G Battery Ships Today

The device -- which is shipping today to those who pre-ordered early -- will reportedly provide up to 350 additional hours of standby, up to 6 hours of 3G talk time (or 12 hours on 2G), another 6 hours of web surfing and a 458% boost in overall happiness.

Why Tip?

The origins and purpose of the practice, and a restaurant that has banned it.

North Of New York, An Artistic Retreat

Ever since the Dia Art Foundation opened its Beacon site in 2003 — in a 1929 brick Nabisco factory where cracker and cookie boxes had been printed — it has been a must-see spot on the contemporary-art circuit. This showcase of Minimalist, Conceptual and Post-Minimalist art attracts 65,000 people a year, with an uptick in the fall. But for any space- and light-deprived urban dweller, the experience will be as much about the vastness of the mazelike galleries on three levels as about the individual works themselves.

Over half of 2009 vehicles in America will offer iPod support

And we're not talking about that 3.5mm-to-3.5mm trick, either. We're referring to bona fide iPod integration, and 2009 marks the first year where over half of all U.S.-bound automobiles are expected to offer optional support for Apple's prolific PMP.

When looking at 2008 model year vehicles, just 39% offered tight iPod integration, but according to Phil Magney, vice president of automotive research for iSuppli, the "automotive industry is at the point where in-vehicle technologies -- or the lack of them -- are influencing sales."

Furthermore, Bluetooth is expected to be in 82% of 2009 U.S. vehicles (optional or standard), and just so we're clear, we're talking all cars, not just the luxury brands.

Vice Squad

Flesh-colored tights are bad to begin with, but when you subtract the skirt from the equation and add in about 30 hours of straight partying it makes it look like you've smeared your whole body in anti-erection cream.

Stuff White People Like - #41 Indie Music

If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

Fortunately, they have independent music.

A white person’s iPod (formerly CD collection) is not merely an assemblage of music that they enjoy. It is what defines them as a person. They are always on the look out for the latest hot band that no one has heard of so that one day, they can hit it just right and be into a band BEFORE they are featured in an Apple commercial. To a white person, being a fan of a band before they get popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever!

Indie music also produces a lot of concerts, for which white people can attend and meet other white people. It’s especially useful, since they are attending the same concert, they both like the artist and can easily strike up a conversation that will flow from band at the show->other bands they like->where they went to/go to school->where to get the best vegan food in town->agreement to meet at said restaurant for awkward date.

It is worth noting that white people are expected to stay current with music and go to concerts well into their 40s. Unlike at dance or hip hop clubs, there are few stigmas attached to being the “old guy at the club.”

But BE WARNED, talking about Indie Music with white people is perhaps the most dangerous subject you touch upon. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules

• Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable
• Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable
• If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of them, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible.

Remember, popular artists can turn unpopular in a heartbeat (Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes, The Strokes), so you would be best to stick to the following statements: “I love the Arcade Fire,” “I still think the Montreal scene is the best in the world,” “I would die without Stereogum or Fluxblog“* and “Joanna Newsom is maybe the most original artist today.”

*-do not substitute Stereogum for Pitchfork, as this is one of those things that used to be cool, but is now not cool.

Fail of the Day

Apple Announces New Macbooks

For the updated MacBook and MacBook Pro machines, Apple gave them some of the high-end features that had been in the MacBook Air, including thinner laptop casings and a "multitouch" track pad, which, like the iPhone, understands gestures for spinning and zooming.

The redesigned laptops are lighter than existing machines, and Apple touted a construction "breakthrough" in the way the casings are cut and tooled from aluminum, without a stronger skeleton fused to the insides.

At the lowest end of the redesigned laptops, a MacBook will cost $1,299, while the most expensive MacBook Pro, which comes with two graphics chips from Nvidia for extra fast graphics processing, costs $2,499. An updated MacBook Air, the ultra-thin portable notebook that does not have a CD or DVD drive on board, is $1,799.

Free nation-wide WiFi takes a first step

The FCC gave a nod to free WiFi on Friday, but it could be a very long time before this mythical free broadband network actually materializes -- and to some extent, wireless carriers may be to blame for delaying the auction process.

Business Week debates the idolatry of doctors

Pro or Con: Most physicians are hypocrites. They expect the respect owed to benevolent professionals when they’re just glorified merchants.

Did Milan Kundera Tattle on an Anti-Communist Spy?

According to the state-backed Institute for the Study of Totalitarian Regimes, in 1950, long before he became famous for darkly comic novels like “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” and “The Joke,” Mr. Kundera, who was then 21, told the local police about a guest in a student dormitory where he lived.

The allegations could diminish Mr. Kundera’s moral stature as a spokesman, however enigmatic, against totalitarianism’s corrosion of daily life.

The reclusive Mr. Kundera vehemently denied the account.

Your Blood For Oil

Toyota is bringing its gas-sipping tin-can death-trap, the 56-mpg iQ microcar, to America. It will be sold under their Scion division. CA Redemption Value 5 ¢.

China Jails Tibetan Monks

Eight Buddhist monks convicted of bombing a government building in Tibet during an anti-government uprising in March have been sentenced to prison, two of them for life, a judge said Tuesday.

Don't Expect Flash on the iPhone Anytime Soon

According to Microsoft’s latest Silverlight announcement, Apple shows little to no interest in installing either Silverlight or Adobe Flash on its iPhones.

Rolling Stone ends large format after 4 decades

After more than four decades of standing out with a larger format than other magazines, it will step back and look like everyone else starting with the Oct. 30 issue, due out this week.

Vice Squad

Does anything say “suave eccentric billionaire on holiday” more than a slightly battered vintage briefcase and a perfectly coordinated leisure/flight suit?

Stuff White People Like - #56 Lawyers

A common characteristic amongst white people is the need to over analyze things, so they partake in activities such as therapy, writing a blog, or becoming an arts major. So its rather obvious why white people love lawyers so much as it is the one profession that has mastered the art of “over analyzing things”. Even though most disputes can be resolved through reason, unselfishness, and / or a google search, white people would prefer to take things to court or have something in writing. Lawyers are seen as the ultimate problem solvers and “the law” is seen as the be all, end all, of resolving all the world’s ills. In fact white people tend to have better relationships with their lawyers than with family members or friends. Please note that when around white people, that it is social suicide to admit or state that you don’t have a regular lawyer.

But perhaps the one main reason why white people love lawyers is the sense that they are giving back to the community. Most white people major in the arts, and law school is pretty much the only option for anyone with a BA that wants a decent paying job. Basically this love of the law is keeping the demand for lawyers much higher than it should be. So paying lawyer fees to settle the smallest problem, is the white person equivalent of Warrick Dunn building homes for low income families.

Fail of the Day

YouTube starts running full-length CBS shows

A mix of archive CBS shows, including "Star Trek," "Young and the Restless" and "Beverly Hills 90210," will now be available in full-length episodes of 20 minutes to 48 minutes.

Bjork and Thom Yorke Teaming for New Single

Björk and Thom Yorke will be joining forces for a good cause: protecting the Icelandic environment. One Little Indian will release the new Björk single "Nattura", which features the Radiohead frontman on backing vocals.

Björk's camp has confirmed that the single will be released on October 20.

According to text on the promo, the song "highlights a grass roots movement in Iceland to reclaim the country’s natural resources and wilderness from the hands of big business and pollution." It is described as "more of a protest and rallying cry than a lecture."

Back in 2000, the pair duetted on "I've Seen It All", a song featured in the Björk-starring Las Von Trier film Dancer in the Dark and included on its accompanying soundtrack album Selmasongs.

Way More Important Than Making Music

The Strokes’ frontman Julian Casablancas is set to open a BBQ restaurant in Los Angeles, and will DJ at the official launch today.

Casablancas is among a string of well-known faces to invest in the venture, including Mark Ronson, actors Gerard Butler, Danny Masterson, Chris Masterson and Laura Prepon and DJ Steve Aoki.

The eatery is a Korean BBQ called Shin, and is located in the Hollywood neighborhood.

Ronson, Steve Aoki and DJ Mom Jeans aka Danny Masterson will also DJ at the party, taking place in Hollywood tonight.

Triple Cobra - "Live Fast & Die Beautiful"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkQW10XnfjA

Vice Squad

Every time you think it’s going to be a boring night, Jeremy Scott and Kai always pop up smelling like Balloon and—just like that—the whole evening becomes a “happening.”

Stuff White People Like - #39 Netflix

We all know white people love film festivals, but what about movies that don’t make it to a film festival, or weren’t in the local film festival? How do you get accesss? Thankfully white people have Netflix.

If you don’t know, Netflix sends you DVDs in the mail and you get new ones when you send the old ones back.

White people are absolutely crazy for Netflix for a number of reasons. Firstly, because all of them are convinced that there is a global conspiracy to keep good, independent, groundbreaking film from mainstream distribution (multiplexes, blockbuster, etc).

To them, Netflix (in spite of being a for profit company) is a brand new way for independent filmmakers to find an audience. By subscribing, white people believe that they are changing the film industry, supporting innovation, and contributing to a cultural revolution in film.

If you see a group of white people and you need to break into the conversation, a good thing to say “hey, is anyone else thinking that Netflix shipping is getting slower? I’m doing this PT Anderson thing, and I’m only up to Magnolia! What’s that all about?” They will relate, and talk about their own Netflix queues and how they are trying to get caught up on French New Wave.

Fail of the Day